Mutton's short story thread

[ChrisMuttonshutter]

It was dark wet and warm and he couldn't breathe. He must be enclosed in something. He couldn't move.
He wanted to take in air but was unable so he struggled. He wanted to scream or cry out.
Something touched him. He felt himself falling slowly. He was going down. He gave a kick.
He thought he saw a distant light. He screamed.
He heard words softly spoken in a broad Yorkshire accent.
"Tha's got a lovely little bairn " "What are you going to call him love ? "

"James after his dad but he fucked off after he shagged me"
"He's a tiny bugger, mind you he's got a fucking big nose"
Welcome to the fun.

I revised the original for one of my best muckers

[ChrisMuttonshutter]

His bones ached but he guessed that went with the territory. He usually forgot what he was talking about but blustered his way through. When his hands held anything they shook so he had to use two to steady them. They mocked him when he lied but he never lied. He'd dream about his father mocking him every night before the sweats woke him alone in his bed.
"Good Morning Mr President " "did you sleep well ? "
"Who the hell is she talking to ? " he thought.
"Holy fuck " she thought " If we lose this year there's another old fucker in the waiting room ready to take over "
Welcome to the promised land.

[ChrisMuttonshutter]

Jack and Jill ate pig swill
To find out if it made them ill.
Jack got a cough,
His balls fell off,
So Jill isolated .


for all those who lost testicles due to the chinese pandemic

[ChrisMuttonshutter]

He'd entered the Labyrinth of his own accord and there seemed no escape now. To go left or right. The only way he could see the light was straight up, that's the way he went. He climbed and climbed. The only way was up. Missiles rained down on him. He ignored them. He paused for a breath. Something called out to him. He continued ever onward and upwards.
He ventured to the side. Nothing there. Upwards then. He knew the climb would never end, Damascus was a long way off. He climbed ...........

[Guest]

[ChrisMuttonshutter]

........ and climbed. He needed to rest. A scream pierced the silence. He stopped, took a breath, sweat dripped down his back. A gigantic face manifested itself out of the wall.
"Fuck me " he thought " It ..." " It's fucking Eric f.f ffrom boarding school " .... " that fucker stole my ............

[ChrisMuttonshutter]

.........he shrugged off the memory. He paused for a drink. He sipped the Coca Cola, it was refreshingly cold. He realised he was hungry. He took a Mars Bar out of his Levi jeans pocket. He felt better already. His Nike trainers cushioned his feet like slippers. How long had he been climbing ? He glanced at his Apple Watch - 2 Hours now - He loved that watch - all Apple products in fact. "I should be at home playing on my PS4 he thought " "can't wait for the PS5 out later this year". His mind was wandering.......


some of this tale has been sponsored

[ChrisMuttonshutter]

She bent
He shot
They came
He went


a bit of erotica for all you wankers

[ChrisMuttonshutter]

He'd spent twenty years and plenty of tears growing, grafting and perfecting his techniques. He wept for it all had come to fruition. Yes at last.
He'd grown an orange on a banana tree and a banana on an orange tree.
The orange on the banana tree looked and tasted like a banana.
The banana on the orange tree looked and tasted like an orange.
He was a fucking genius.
He waited for the world to come to his door ........

[ChrisMuttonshutter]

He had always wanted to catch a bullet in his mouth. It was his sixth attempt. He pointed the rifle upwards and fired. His mouth was agape as he waited for the bullet's downwards trajectory.
No fucking luck again. He had no idea where the bullet had gone.
"Fuck this, next time I'll try one of my knives" he thought as he walked back to his trailer home.....